youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
