I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
