Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
