there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
