That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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