i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
