Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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