so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
