I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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