you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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