Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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