Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
