I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
