dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
