her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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