I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
