Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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