I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
