Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Still dying that you shit outside
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
