Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
