so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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