Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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