May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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