You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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