it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
