well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Pants are for mortals
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
