She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
