I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize