Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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