so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
