my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
