Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
