He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize