Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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