he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
