god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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