I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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