God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
