he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize