When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
