when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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