I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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