its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
