i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
