That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize