just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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