I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
