You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
