dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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