Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
