Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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