I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
