Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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