does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
