If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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