In America we eat man semen.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
