Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
