Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
