remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize