Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
