My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
