I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
