You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
