i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
