yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
